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What About Me?

Have you ever felt like you were being asked by those close to you to step out of your comfort zone in some area faster than… well, you were comfortable with?

Yes. I’m sure you have. It has felt like I have been pushed a lot lately. I have been asked to set aside my comfort and emotional needs in lots of things lately. I have questioned and emotionally rebelled a few times.

I am about two-three weeks away from giving birth to my son and - oh boy! - there’s a lot of personal wishes being questioned there of course. My first birth was such a nightmare for me that I am trying everything I can to do things differently this time. I am trying to listen to my body, God, and sift through all the well-meaning advice thrown my way. It doesn’t help that both my mom and aunt have horror stories galore to share to encourage me towards a c-section. My last experience was a c-section after hours of laboring with no help in a horribly non-comfortable setting. I felt very alone in a place where no one cared that I had never done this before.

So, we know I am being pushed in this area of how I should have my baby. I am also not a social butterfly, and I am being pushed out of my comfortable home to make friends with the new girl right before I go into a hiatus with my newborn? This I just can not wrap my mind around. I have come a VERY long way from my shy days from growing up. Every girl has insecurities and boys too I’m sure, but mine held me back from getting to know people. It didn’t help that I never thought I was worth anyone’s time. I still struggle with this lie. I physically couldn’t make myself approach my peers for years to make friends. And now that I can, suddenly I am being asked to put myself out there when the timing is all wrong. I can feel it. For myself. It is all wrong. I am not bucking at stepping into an uncomfortable situation. I really shouldn’t be reaching out right now when I have no time to offer. Right?

It would seem my husband is feeling like he isn’t getting enough social time, and that’s something that I can’t really help. We are a young couple, but we have children, so that makes things difficult with our friends who don’t have children. I have repeatedly gone out with him when I don’t feel good. I even “let” him go skiing when I emotionally needed him. And I’m slightly bitter that he got to go and I didn’t. I sound like a child, I know. This was something that we both really wanted to do on our honeymoon and had been denied. We haven’t had a chance since. Well, I haven’t. He actually got to go snowboarding which sounds like even more fun, personally.

Regardless, whether intended or not, I have been made to feel like my logic is faulty or my wishes/needs are not important right now. I know my husband is feeling the chain on his leg when the baby is born. I do, too. But, that is just what is going on in our lives right now. I had come to terms with it a month or so ago when I began to function SO much below my normal limits. I began to embrace this new change that I really wanted anyway. A second child would be so great for our daughter and of course, I was excited to have a small baby to cuddle again. When I felt good, I was stuck taking care of my sick daughter and husband. Twice. I got run down for a few days, but thankfully didn’t get really sick like they did. Now that they are well they seem to need more from me than when they were sick, and I am the one that needs the pampering, the slow tempo, the calm nights with a huge belly and pregnancy fatigue that refuses to let up.

I had sensed my husband’s stress over added obligations of late and put my needs aside to do several things in a single week that I happened to feel well enough to do them to make him feel loved and appreciated. It didn’t seem to be enough. You would think our son’s birthday was actually doom’s day approaching with as much extra fun he’s trying to fit in before then.

I don’t mean to pat myself on the back, knock my husband down a few notches, or even seek out sympathizers. Ok. Maybe a sympathizer or two would be great, but I really am just venting and reminding myself that when I have this baby, there will be a lot of people (probably too many) around to solely help ME. I am blessed. My husband will by necessity be the one I need the most and be there for me the most. The others will be passing through with food and cooing for the new baby or helping with my 2yr old daughter.

God has blessed me with a lot of people who love me. They may not know me like God does. They may not understand me and try to push me further than I can go, but they love me. They really want what’s best for me, even if they really don’t know what that is. Even if the things they say more often than not unintentionally tear me down or discourage me, they truly do love me. When they get upset about my “sensitivity,” they really are just frustrated that they cannot properly communicate with me. It takes patience and kind responses from both sides for a relationship to work. And a whole lot of the Holy Spirit! ;)

Monday Motivation: Just because we may be feeling like the bottom of the totem pole - like our feelings don’t matter - doesn’t mean that at all. We are loved. First, by God then by our families. We have friends too who care. We need to remember that when our emotions get the best of us or life speeds on without giving us a chance to enjoy a little of it. We are valued. Take the time to sit someone down who you trust to explain how you’re feeling. Be sure to have an action plan for how to fix it, or you’ll be right back to where you started. Your trusted one is going to want to know how they can make you feel better. Don’t think they will magically know how when they have been “failing” as of late. Help them out a little bit, or just do it yourself. Schedule something fun with someone and make it happen. It’s for your mental health after all. ;)

Thanks for bearing with me today.

Happy Monday!! LOL

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